Do you know Jerry Jones? He’s the 82-year-old owner of the Dallas Cowboys, the most valuable sports franchise in the world. Did the Cowboys become this financially successful by being great at playing football? Of course not! The Cowboys, once a storied franchise and winners of five Super Bowls, now wear the monicker “America’s Team” with such disdainful irony I wince every time I hear it.
Jerry’s not really a great guy, but that’s another story for another time. This week, I’m thinking about how he clearly has no idea what a glory hole is. How do I know? Because he misuses the term constantly. Have fun!
“Theres a very low percentage of this that is smiles and gloryholes”. jerrys still got it pic.twitter.com/7IftZLOzJz
— PFT Commenter (@PFTCommenter) January 27, 2025
This Week Regarding the Hiring of Brian Schottenheimer
Jerry came under fire this week for hiring Brian Schottenheimer from within the organization to be the Cowboys’ next head coach, despite the fact that he has no head coaching experience and a colorfully unsuccessful career as an assistant coach.
When giving one of his impromptu standing press conferences he gives with unnerving frequency, Jerry admitted not everyone is happy with the choice, saying “there’s a very low percentage of [Cowboys fans] that [are] smiles and glory holes.”
If this had been the only instance of Jerry misusing the term, you might be willing to forgive the mistake. Maybe he meant to say “smiles in foxholes.” Maybe he meant to say “rainbows.” It kind of rhymes. We have to go back in time to figure out the truth.
Congratulating the Texas Rangers on Their Absolute Glory Hole
The Texas Rangers beat the Arizona Diamondbacks in a World Series matchup that basically no one outside of Dallas remembers or cares about. It’s sad because what a fun team! El Bombi? Corey Seager’s heroics? Good shit. But perhaps the most notable accomplishment is local radio station 105.3 The Fan got Jerry out of bed to call in on the day of the championship parade only for Jerry to…say whatever the fuck he says in the above clip.
I guess Jerry is trying to say it’s really hard to win championships (he would know) and the Rangers should be really proud? There are so many ways to say that, though, Jerry.
Stephen A…There It Was…Glory Hole
My man Jerry actually showed up to go toe to toe with notable Dallas Cowboys hater and Pokémon expert Stephen A. Smith on ESPN’s First Take. This was years ago when the Cowboys were still putting together good regular seasons and then fizzling out in the playoffs.
I don’t know, man. Jerry got up the next day from something presumably bad and then…”glory hole.” I don’t know! Jerry! What’s going on?
Bruce Springsteen’s Glory Hole Days
The first instance I could find of Jerry talking about glory holes is a press conference from 2012 where he talks about wanting to restore the Cowboys to the “glory hole” days by saying “I want me some glory hole.” Everyone in the press pit laughs because of fucking course you’d laugh if the billionaire owner of the Dallas Cowboys speaks “I want me some glory hole” into a microphone in broad fucking daylight.
Jerry is NOT in on the joke. I refuse to believe it. I know it might seem like someone has dared him to do this every few years as a bit, but I do not think he understands what it is or why it’s completely nuts that he continues to say it.
And listen, I did my research. “Glory hole” has been used in the past to refer to some stuff that isn’t its most common sexual usage, but none of those other meanings really correlate with what Jerry is implying.
I’m convinced TV showrunner Bill Lawrence has caught onto this phenomenon and wrote it into Harrison Ford’s character in Shrinking, a show I have only seen in clips on TikTok.
Harrison Ford’s character in SHRINKING using the term “raw dog” incorrectly is comedy gold. pic.twitter.com/xMaRDxiG6f
— @M3Writer.bsky.social (@M3Writer) May 1, 2023
Anyway, sound off in the comments on or join our Discord to talk about this. We had a hoot watching these on Wake Up Honey, It’s Tuesday this week. I will be happy to go to my grave without an explanation because life’s mysteries truly are its sweetest fruit, but I would also love an explanation because what on earth is going on in the Jones household?
